Cold hands, warm shart.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
