When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Randomize
