Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
