somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
