Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Randomize
