Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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