someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
