Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
