Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
