Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
