she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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