Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
