just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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