the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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