Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
