Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
