After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
