Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
