Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
