Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
