and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
