Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
