I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Randomize
