Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
