We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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