im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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