and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
third nipple confirmed
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
