Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
i think my cat just said my name.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Randomize
