i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
