he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
