He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Randomize