I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
