1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
