the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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