1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
