I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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