I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
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The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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