I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
