I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
