if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
