Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
