I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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