Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
