not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
