you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
