Your dad touched me again.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
