I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
