I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
You have to summon your inner elephant
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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