I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
