btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
