I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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