Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
