So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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