I cut my penus on the lid.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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