She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
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One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
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The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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