I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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